Losing weight and always having been a fat girl is kind of a scary thing.
I remember when I was a teenager thinking how desperately I wanted to lose weight, but I was SCARED to feel different than what I always was. ALL new clothes? Will people look at me weird? Never eat what I want to again? I found it (sadly) easier to just stick with my fat unhappy self than take a risk. Maybe I'm weird for thinking that, but there it is. I was more afraid of the changes that would happen to me than of anything.
Here I sit. 25 years old and still fat and tired of it.
I started Weight Watchers online yesterday. For the first time in MY LIFE, I could not be more motivated or excited to get rid of this fat. But this fat didnt just pop up at once out of nowhere. No, it slowly creeped its way back onto my frame after having lost some weight in college. So...here is the timeline for you.
High School - I wore a (BARF) size 16 at my heaviest and probably clocked in at a good 200+lbs. I was miserable. But senior year, 2006, was the worst of my life. Both of my grandmothers passed away within 3 months of one another due to cancer. I comfort ate, ate fast food because my own sweet mother was not home much caring for my grandmother, and was just completely listless and stressed. I am not a comfort eater by nature. I usually have the opposite problem with stress. But this time was somewhow different.
These were taken in August / September of 2006. Im on the far right in each photo. Probably around 200ish. The lovely lady that looks like me would be my identical twin sister. I love her more than life.
College - Cutting out soda and having stopped eating complete shit, I lost weight. (SHOCKER) I felt good. I felt pretty. Hell, I even felt skinny. I craved salad. Its what I ate twice a day, everyday, along with one other food item (sandwich, piece of pizza, blob of cafeteria mashed potaters, etc) I liked the way my body was shaping up and college made it easy to eat healthy. I had a salad bar, ready for me to have at it and ravage it. No buying (oh, hey, except for those out this world student loans now) no chopping, no preparing. The most annoying part of cooking was done and I could easily make better choices. I dropped from a 14/16 to a 12/10, and lost probably a good 40lbs, putting me in the 160 range. I was happy with the way I looked and I felt good for the first time in my life. It certainly wasnt something most people strive for, but for me, it worked and I felt fantastical. I started getting more attention from the male species, which also helped boost my self-esteem and endorphine rage.
This was taken in 2007-2008...losing some weight and seeing the results!
This is Erika (below on right) I love her more than life and she is one of the best friends I have ever had and will ever have. I am so excited to be in her WEDDING next year :)
This was 2009 and easily THE BEST I looked and felt. Around 155-60
(Second from far left)
Senior Year 2010 (on far left)
2011 Trip to Ireland
Post College and upon graduation I moved into a house with my identical twin sister and a friend. It started off fine, we would all go to the grocery store and split the bill 3 ways. We did eat different things, but we all compromised and made it work. I still ate healthy, even having to cook on my own. I ate a lot of salad, healthy snacks (yogurt, string cheese, hummus, veggies, etc) but did have those "girls night" cheeseburgers once in awhile. It wasnt bad, but I knew I had to be careful or else I would fall into fat girl land again. That place where, as a kid, my babysitter used to give my sister, brother, and I a bowl of doritos and pepsi as snack, or french fries and hot dogs for lunch, and then because McDonald's had beany baby toys, we got happy meals so we could collect them all. I still blame my babysitter for making me eat shit early in life and starting this fat girl epic journey. My mom did the best she could, a fruit, veg, and milk at every meal - but I had acquired a taste for terrible food and its what I liked and wanted.
I'm on the right...and I was still looking and feeling good for the most part.
This was right before I met boyfriend.
That winter I met my now wonderful boyfriend of almost 2 years (January 27th! Holla.) The boyfriend and I had hectic schedules with working and school. We would see each other on the weekends and most often, when we were together, we ate out. I never cooked for us at the house. He certainly wasn't cooking, nor had food to cook, at his bacehlor pad. So we ate out. It was fun, easy, convenient, and tasty. By the time I moved out and into a new apartment with my friend in August, I had definitely gained at least 10-15lbs back. I was determined not to slip anymore, and the gain scared me. I kept having nightmares of my size 16 pants
being too tight.
The year in the new apartment brought more weight gain. I tried to hang on to those healthy habits from college, but I kept finding myself saying, "No its fine, Ill be more careful tomorrow", or my roomie and I never wanting to cook, so we treated ourselves. Yeah. More like treated ourselves 3 times a week. It was bad. I was still (and still am) in a size 12, but things were fitting weird and I noticed that nice silhouette I once had was dwindling under blubber.
Thanksgiving 2011...Eating out takes the toll
New Years Eve 2011 with Boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend :)
Easter 2012. ick. I hate this picture.
Summer of 2012. Terrible. Crazy. Fat Summer. I moved out of the apartment and back to my parents house. I was weighing my options for teaching jobs, since I lost mine to a furlough, and was waiting for boyfriend to graduate so we could decide on a plan. Moving home, my mom always wanted to cook delicious things for me. I didnt say no. I lost my job. I was depressed. I liked not cooking or buying groceries. I ate homemade yummies and special dinners out like it was my job. I got fatter. By this time I was pushing 185-90+. I refused to weigh myself to see the damage.
With my lovely sister (I'm on left and looking and feeling like awful)
Boyfriend's Grad party
I cannot even tell you how fat and terrible and self-conscious and uncomfortable I felt ALL DAY. Miserable. I knew something had to give.
New Job! YAY! I had to move far away, from PA to NC, so guess what? Yes, more eating out! Lived in a hotel for two weeks with boyfriend. Ate out and went to the store twice. Traveled back and forth for what felt like 100 times, and ate out. I could feel and hear myself getting fatter this time. I HATED the way I looked in the mirror. (And still dont like it very much today).
Moved into apartment with boyfriend. Got a crazy standard poodle puppy, who I love as a daughter in an unnatural way, and started cooking again. But this time for both of us. And this, more than anything, is what has gotten me into the land of fatness once again. We moved in in the NC apartment in August. It is now January. For the past 5 months, I have pretty much been cooking what boyfriend likes and eating how he eats. BAD IDEA. He can eat anything and still stay lean. He can decide he wants to lose weight at the drop of a hat and lose 30 lbs overnight. I hate men.
So. Here I am. 25, 5' 7", 198 lbs. (MY GOD THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE) and the FATTEST I have EVER felt in my life. It. has. to. stop. now.
I am ready for my own personal epic. This blog is going to help (I hope). Time for a change and a journey to complete it.
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