Weighing In...

Hello everyone (or maybe no one)...

This last week and a half has been crazy at work...so much to do with starting a new semester and testing this week. SO FUN. ahem.

In between going crazy and crazier, I did not post my weigh in!!

After one week on WW, I weighed in and found that I lost a grand total of 5.6lbs!!! Down to 192.4! WOO HOO! I was over the moon happy. I felt better because I was, well, feeling better. Everything was getting a little looser and I didn't feel so disappointed in my reflection in the mirror! I was and still am, very proud of my achievement.

This week however...well lets just start at the beginning...

Because I've been cooking solo, I felt bad for boyfriend. He had been eating cereal for dinner because I wasn't cooking. I know this sounds terribly 1950's like, but I do get home an hour earlier than him and I  enjoy cooking. Before I started WW, we cooked a lot together. I've been missing that. Just sharing a meal with him is a way we would unwind and spend some time together in the evenings. I read a post on Prior Fat Girl's website about just that. How cooking separate meals was causing problems in a relationship and creating distance. It seems so trivial, but it really does take that warm fuzzy feeling out of dinner when I have to hurry up and measure and track my food and then try to throw something together for him or just forget about him all together. Sad really. But it does show how important a role food plays in our lives.

This weekend we needed to get out a little. I ate out probably wayyyy more than I should have, but I did make better choices....except Sunday.  Last week was hard. I had my period and terrible cravings and bloatings and cramps and water retention. I usually want to eat everything bad that week and my will power diminishes by 40%.

Friday night we had date night. Upon moving in with boyfriend this past August, I really understand that even though you see one another everyday, you still need to make time to SPEND TOGETHER. Date nights are still important to both of us and something we need to just reconnect after the crazy work week. We went to Ruby Tuesdays and surprisingly, they have some super healthy choices. I treated myself to a petite sirloin, 3 coconut shrimp, spaghetti squash, and salad. The points were actually well below what I thought it was going to be. Having the side option of squash really helped, along with the salad bar. Saturday night we had sushi, yummmmmmm. Sushi, surprisingly, is not that bad point wise. I  gorged myself on three rolls and a big salad. I was super full and feeling slightly guilty.

Then came Sunday. ruh-roh. I had had enough of WW. I wanted a beer. I wanted something fried and carbalicious. And I had it and regretted it the whole rest of the day. Sunday I was stuck grading research papers literally all day. Also adding to my pissy mood and throwing away of WW.  It was about 1ish and Boyfriend suggested we go out to lunch. I said I had papers to grade. He said, lets go. And we did. I had a beer, I had pub chips with ranch, I had a bread bowl full of homemade chicken salad with cheese on top. W - O - W. I couldn't eat it all. Boyfriend helped me finish. But holy shit did I feel like it the rest of the day. I exploded my points, but since it was lunch and I had only eaten breakfast, I thank the Lord, used all the points for the rest of my day and then 3 extra. TOO MUCH. I felt so overly full and bloated. It was not a great choice. Regret. I will not be doing that again.

So this week I was not feeling great about weighing in. And when I stepped on the scale yesterday, all I could think about was all the shit I ate and how this moment, right here, matters more than how good those homemade chips and carbs tasted. And the grand total.... I lost a measly .6  of a lb. Am I happy it was a loss? yes. Am I satisfied with that number? no. If anything, I am more motivated this week to really watch myself and make the best choices I can while still feeling satisfied. Salads and grapefruit for lunch this week. Healthy, point conscious HOME MADE dinners. And if we do go out, I will be not splurging. I'm saving that for anniversary weekend!

Boyfriend and I will be together for 2 years on January 27. I really do love him with all my heart. He is a great supporter in my weight loss journey and I couldn't do it without him, especially since it is just us and crazy poodle girl down here and no one else. My mom has been wonderful too, really helping me and giving me tips. She supports me from far away and lets me know I can do it and I'm not alone. They are the only ones I'm sharing this with right now. Except all of you. (whoever that may be)

This was taken at Thanksgiving. I was probably about 190ish here. Not feeling terrible, but certainly not feeling good. After Christmas, I began to scare myself.

I'm looking forward to a healthier week, no cheating or hormonal throwing up of hands at WW, and seeing boyfriend and this little face everyday.

Food Struggle in a Land of Friendship

This weekend I went to visit my girlfriend from high school. We have been friends for almost 10 years and I cherish her friendship through all of our stages of life. She recently moved to NC to be with her mom and to make a new start for herself. I'm so proud of her for leaving behind all the bad things that were holding her back from looking at the life she has ahead of her.

This picture was taken in 2006, our senior year of high school. I was fairly heavy here (I'm on the left) not sure how much I was weighing in at.

In terms of the food struggles, I knew there would be a lot. This is a house that eats cake for breakfast and loves everything that I know is bad. Fried chicken, french fries, pizza. Just everything I love... I was prepared with my weekly extra points to use them all in a night. We had chinese takeout for dinner. I got grilled hot and spicy chicken with peppers, onions, and white rice. I served myself a normal portion (maybe a little extra) and found that I got full very quickly. Usually, I could have eaten probably 1/2 - 3/4 of the container myself. I barely touched it and brought the rest home for boyfriend, who promptly devoured it upon my arrival home.

Surprisingly, I did well with the weekend AND treated myself. Morning doughnuts? Brownie for dessert? Yes and yes. I just planned the rest of my day accordingly. I came home from her house (and after my Krispy Kreme coma splurge that was worth every point) had some carrots, celery, and salsa. Normally, I would have went straight to the snacky cupboard and devoured 1/3 a bag of potato chips then ate a full meal. Cupboard snacking is a terrible habit of mine. For some reason, I don't feel nearly as guilty just shoving food in my mouth while I stand up and contemplate what I want to eat. Thankfully, I didn't do that today.  I had a veggie burger for dinner with some WW soup. I feel good and full and NOT deprived. I had a treat. Like I've said before, its CRAZY for me to think that I will go the rest of my life without ever eating a doughnut again. I won't. This weekend was a true test of making healthy choices. I am proud of myself! I could have easily chosen a more carb or fattening meat choice for Chinese dinner, and I went with something I knew wouldn't break my point bank or my weight loss goals. At this point, I still take things day by day. The first day was by far the hardest.

In other news, I am DREADING going back to school tomorrow. UGHHHH children. Time to watch Honey Boo Boo and do some grading. And maybe indulge in a delicious Special K cereal snack later. Weigh in is on Wednesday!! I can't wait to see if there is any progress! I already FEEL so much better.

Southern Biscuit Failure

As a yankee living in the south, I have noticed many odd things.

1. People put things "up" and not AWAY

2. Y'all is written in professional emails from administrators

3. People love sweet tea more than Jesus

4. I can't go anywhere without tripping over a Baptist church

5. Bojangles. yep.

6. Hospitality almost always includes food.

7. People here get "to-go" cups when they leave a restaurant

8. Pimento cheese is delicious.


It was #6 that got me into trouble today. Big W, one of my favorite colleagues, brought me a breakfast treat today....a smaller-ish biscuit with country ham. w e a k n e s s. I am learning to love biscuits. dangerous.

I gave into that biscuit. I calculated my point values and am sadly, probably using some of my reserve points today. It was freaking delicious. But the guilt I am now feeling tells me I should have just put that Southern hospitality breakfast treat into my bag and taken it home to boyfriend. Not worth it. Lesson learned. I know at some point, once I'm closer to my goal, that I will be able to enjoy biscuit deliciousness without guilt. But for now, I know I just want and need to stay away from things that I can't plug into my points values and be satisfied with. WW is a lifestyle change, not a binge diet. And real life includes biscuit treats.

On a side note, yesterday was much easier and I was less hungry as my body continues to adjust to non-crap food. I'm feeling positive about everything and am hoping to get a high-five from Big W next time instead of a biscuit.

It Starts.

Well, here we are. The first day of this blog I somehow desperately need to write to help me stay accountable and motviated to finally lose weight. I dont even want to write it. I am mortified that someone I know will read this and find out my deep dark secrets. I feel akin to that Julie-whats-her-name in "Julie and Julia". Only, Im not making 370 super fatty French recipes everyday for a year. Im trying to shed some of that super fatty out.

Losing weight and always having been a fat girl is kind of a scary thing.

I remember when I was a teenager thinking how desperately I wanted to lose weight, but I was SCARED to feel different than what I always was. ALL new clothes? Will people look at me weird? Never eat what I want to again? I found it (sadly) easier to just stick with my fat unhappy self than take a risk. Maybe I'm weird for thinking that, but there it is. I was more afraid of the changes that would happen to me than of anything.

Here I sit. 25 years old and still fat and tired of it.

I started Weight Watchers online yesterday. For the first time in MY LIFE, I could not be more motivated or excited to get rid of this fat. But this fat didnt just pop up at once out of nowhere. No, it slowly creeped its way back onto my frame after having lost some weight in college. So...here is the timeline for you.

High School - I wore a (BARF) size 16 at my heaviest and probably clocked in at a good 200+lbs. I was miserable. But senior year, 2006, was the worst of my life. Both of my grandmothers passed away within 3 months of one another due to cancer. I comfort ate, ate fast food because my own sweet mother was not home much caring for my grandmother, and was just completely listless and stressed. I am not a comfort eater by nature. I usually have the opposite problem with stress. But this time was somewhow different.

These were taken in August / September of 2006. Im on the far right in each photo. Probably around 200ish. The lovely lady that looks like me would be my identical twin sister. I love her more than life.

College - Cutting out soda and having stopped eating complete shit, I lost weight. (SHOCKER) I felt good. I felt pretty. Hell, I even felt skinny. I craved salad. Its what I ate twice a day, everyday, along with one other food item (sandwich, piece of pizza, blob of cafeteria mashed potaters, etc) I liked the way my body was shaping up and college made it easy to eat healthy. I had a salad bar, ready for me to have at it and ravage it. No buying (oh, hey, except for those out this world student loans now) no chopping, no preparing. The most annoying part of cooking was done and I could easily make better choices. I dropped from a 14/16 to a 12/10, and lost probably a good 40lbs, putting me in the 160 range. I was happy with the way I looked and I felt good for the first time in my life. It certainly wasnt something most people strive for, but for me, it worked and I felt fantastical. I started getting more attention from the male species, which also helped boost my self-esteem and endorphine rage.

This was taken in 2007-2008...losing some weight and seeing the results!

This is Erika (below on right) I love her more than life and she is one of the best friends I have ever had and will ever have. I am so excited to be in her WEDDING next year :)

This was 2009 and easily THE BEST I looked and felt. Around 155-60

(Second from far left)

Senior Year 2010 (on far left)

2011 Trip to Ireland

Post College and upon graduation I moved into a house with my identical twin sister and a friend. It started off fine, we would all go to the grocery store and split the bill 3 ways. We did eat different things, but we all compromised and made it work. I still ate healthy, even having to cook on my own. I ate a lot of salad, healthy snacks (yogurt, string cheese, hummus, veggies, etc) but did have those "girls night" cheeseburgers once in awhile. It wasnt bad, but I knew I had to be careful or else I would fall into fat girl land again. That place where, as a kid, my babysitter used to give my sister, brother, and I a bowl of doritos and pepsi as snack, or french fries and hot dogs for lunch, and then because McDonald's had beany baby toys, we got happy meals so we could collect them all. I still blame my babysitter for making me eat shit early in life and starting this fat girl epic journey. My mom did the best she could, a fruit, veg, and milk at every meal -  but I had acquired a taste for terrible food and its what I liked and wanted.

I'm on the right...and I was still looking and feeling good for the most part. 

This was right before I met boyfriend.

That winter I met my now wonderful boyfriend of almost 2 years (January 27th! Holla.) The boyfriend and I had hectic schedules with working and school. We would see each other on the weekends and most often, when we were together, we ate out. I never cooked for us at the house. He certainly wasn't cooking, nor had food to cook, at his bacehlor pad. So we ate out. It was fun, easy, convenient, and tasty. By the time I moved out and into a new apartment with my friend in August, I had definitely gained at least 10-15lbs back. I was determined not to slip anymore, and the gain scared me. I kept having nightmares of my size 16 pants
being too tight.

The year in the new apartment brought more weight gain. I tried to hang on to those healthy habits from college, but I kept finding myself saying, "No its fine, Ill be more careful tomorrow", or my roomie and I never wanting to cook, so we treated ourselves. Yeah. More like treated ourselves 3 times a week. It was bad. I was still (and still am) in a size 12, but things were fitting weird and I noticed that nice silhouette I once had was dwindling under blubber.

Thanksgiving 2011...Eating out takes the toll

New Years Eve 2011 with Boyfriend's best friend's girlfriend :)

Easter 2012. ick. I hate this picture.

Summer of 2012. Terrible. Crazy. Fat Summer. I moved out of the apartment and back to my parents house. I was weighing my options for teaching jobs, since I lost mine to a furlough, and was waiting for boyfriend to graduate so we could decide on a plan. Moving home, my mom always wanted to cook delicious things for me. I didnt say no. I lost my job. I was depressed. I liked not cooking or buying groceries. I ate homemade yummies and special dinners out like it was my job. I got fatter. By this time I was pushing 185-90+. I refused to weigh myself to see the damage.

With my lovely sister (I'm on left and looking and feeling like awful)

Boyfriend's Grad party

I cannot even tell you how fat and terrible and self-conscious and uncomfortable I felt ALL DAY. Miserable. I knew something had to give.

New Job! YAY! I had to move far away, from PA to NC, so guess what? Yes, more eating out! Lived in a hotel for two weeks with boyfriend. Ate out and went to the store twice. Traveled back and forth for what felt like 100 times, and ate out. I could feel and hear myself getting fatter this time. I HATED the way I looked in the mirror. (And still dont like it very much today).

Moved into apartment with boyfriend. Got a crazy standard poodle puppy, who I love as a daughter in an unnatural way, and started cooking again. But this time for both of us. And this, more than anything, is what has gotten me into the land of fatness once again. We moved in in the NC apartment in August. It is now January. For the past 5 months, I have pretty much been cooking what boyfriend likes and eating how he eats. BAD IDEA. He can eat anything and still stay lean. He can decide he wants to lose weight at the drop of a hat and lose 30 lbs overnight. I hate men.

So. Here I am. 25, 5' 7", 198 lbs. (MY GOD THAT WAS HARD TO TYPE) and the FATTEST I have EVER felt in my life. It. has. to. stop. now.

I am ready for my own personal epic. This blog is going to help (I hope). Time for a change and a journey to complete it.